Hands of Death (1987)

Somewhere, probably in mainland China, there is a serious opium-smuggling operation. The authorities in some other place, perhaps Hong Kong, have been trying to stop this smuggling. The movie opens with a scene of their undercover agent, amusingly called Spade in the English dubbing. He is sitting in some kind of kung-fu temple, in kung-fu pajamas, surreptitiously taking photographs with a little auto-focus, 35mm affair. Some dudes in suits come into the temple, talk about how he's a traitor, and kick his ass until he is dead. Cut to an office, where an older guy is explaing to a younger guy, named Young, that this opium ring "must be stopped. I don't care how the hell you do it, but do it." He then explains that Spade was killed, and another guy walks in, who turns out to be Cao, who will be Young's partner in this endeavor. They are both special agents. The older guy tells them they'll have to a take a train, then a boat. He gives them travel documents, which he makes a point of saying are "courier visas, very hard to get, so don't lose them." Cao and Young then head off. They are always dressed mod style, with slim-tailored black suits, white shirts, and no tie. Their suits must be made of some sort of polyester-wool blend, because they are constantly engaging in kung-fu fights while wearing them, and always emerge looking sharp. This is especially impressive in Young's case, because he favors roundhouse kicks to the heads of everyone. While traveling on the train, Cao and Young study photographs, presumably taken by the now-deceased Agent Spade with his little camera. All of these photographs are of buildings, cars, and guys in Nehru jackets. Cao and Young both smoke stylishly during this sequence, and throughout. Young uses strike-anywhere matches for dramatic effect, usually when he is on the verge of kicking some dude's ass. When Young and Cao get on the boat from the train, some guy with acne scars and a fedora eyes them suspiciously. Once they arrive, they walk around a while and watch the local scene. In this way, we learn that Mr. Ta Shan, the kingpin, has organized a syndicate that is driving independent opium dealers out of business. The most prominent independent dealer is Mr. Kwan, who tries to stand up to Ta Shan. At one point, Kwan's men kill one of Ta Shan's men, but Kwan figures it's no big deal because Ta Shan's people end up killing one of his men. No dice - some of Ta Shan's henchmen show up at Kwan's house and ask Kwan to come see Ta Shan's underboss (Mr. Lee, I think). They also dis Kwan's hot sister, who is playing solitaire and pouting. Kwan plays it cool and seems (and looks) sort of like a Chinese Steve McQueen, but when he gets to his sit-down with Lee, Lee is bitching about how his henchman who was killed was carrying all this opium on him, and now it's gone, and what is Kwan going to do about it? And it's tense, because all the guys sitting around the room during this conversation get their swords and nunchakus ready at this moment. So Kwan reaches in his robe (it's weird - some people in this place wear suits and some where kung-fu pajamas), and I thought he was going to pull out a wad of money, but instead he kind of reaches down under the table and grabs his own foot and smashes his shin against the table, totally breaking his leg, to show respect. Then he drags himself out of the place, and you think that is that, but Ta Shan shows up at Lee's pad and says, "What's up with Kwan? I just saw him alive. Take care of it." So Lee sends some guys to take care of it, and they do (although Kwan puts up a good fight for a guy with a shattered tibia - he uses his one crutch as a weapon as though he'd been doing it for years). Young watches this from the bushes, and also sees that a soldier has watched the whole thing without intervening, and afterward the soldier goes to all the bodies (Kwan had some henchmen with him, who got killed) and takes their rings and shit, and then actually cuts out one guy's gold tooth. So in this way, we know that the soldiers who patrol the area are crooked. (At a later point, we will see a soldier who sits on a road with a dog on a chain. Every time some peasant comes by, the soldier makes the peasant stand on all fours so the soldier can sit on his back till the next peasant walks by to relieve the previous peasant. Cao eventually beats the shit out of this soldier and cooks and eats his dog. Young then chops off his head.) At this point, Cao and Young basically start killing everybody - not just Ta Shan's henchmen, but lots of random people also. At one point, Young inexplicably dresses as a blind guy and wanders into some sort of spa. He goes into a room where two guys are soaking in a hot tub and one of them says, "What do you want?" and apparently in this part of China it is customary for blind guys to walk around giving massages, because Young-pretending-to-be-blind says, "Massage?" and the guy in the hot tub is like, "OK," and spreads a towel on the floor to lie on and pulls up a little stepstool for Young-pretending-to-be-blind to sit on while he gives the massage. Oh, and one important thing I forgot to mention is that Young does this shit where he punches guys and holds his fist against them while his knuckles crack, and then the guys die. So Young gives a little shiatsu action to the hot tub guy's legs, then does that to the hot tub guy while massaging him, then also kills the other hot tub guy, and it's not at all clear why these guys had to die. There is also a part where Young and Cao are playing poker at some sort of gambling house, and Young becomes involved in a super-high-stakes game, and when his opponent wins the hand and is about to take all the chips, Young cold-cocks him, then Young and Cao wild out and kill everybody in the joint. Toward the end of the movie, for no apparent reason, there is a random sex scene between Ta Shan and some chick, including a part where the various bustles and folds of her kimono-like garment are shown falling to the floor. After that, Young and Cao finally face off with Ta Shan. Cao battles Ta Shan's best-fighting henchman, who is maybe mentally retarded and definitely has some kind of burns on his face or a skin condition, but is also (naturally) a fierce fighter, and the henchman seems to be getting the better of Cao, and Ta Shan and Young are just sitting there chillaxing and watching the whole thing with nary a thought of stepping in, and Cao is on the ground and the retarded guy does a flying, two-footed kick that is meant to finish Cao, but Cao somehow manages to land a kick first that sends the retarded guy flying backward across the room, and when the retarded guy regains his footing, he is bellowing unintelligibly and assumes a fighting stance, then just dies. This rouses Young and Ta Shan from their torpor and they start fighting, and naturally Ta Shan is the hardest of the hardcore, even though he is about 50 to Young's 28, and even though he is wearing kung-fu pajamas rather than a stylish Savile Row suit. Needless to say, Young eventually triumphs, although not before the fight goes through various rooms. Young's finishing move is sweet because he kicks Ta Shan in the neck with both feet at once and Ta Shan flies out a window. The closing scene is of a steam train. Also, the entire soundtrack is ripped off from Superfly, which is sweet but also disconcerting.